so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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