My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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