my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
When are your genitals available?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
we should paint friendship bongs
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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