I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
