Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
