WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
