I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
