Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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