Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
