i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
