We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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