Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
