I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
