Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
