I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
