We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
