She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Drunk is not a location!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
