Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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