if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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