false alarm. still invincible.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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