It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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