THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
