I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
