Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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