After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
