well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
God I need to hump something, right now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
