You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
