I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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