Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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