Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
