Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
