I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
