Your tits are I can't wait for
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
