if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I puked a lego.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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