when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
