Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
