The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
