Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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