Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
it's like iHOP with fire
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Damn victory sex feels great
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
