I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
