shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
