he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
