I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
