She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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