you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
