it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
