i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
