I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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