I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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