The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
