Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
being pregnant is like rehab
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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